ADAGES OR WHATEVER

The main difference between America and England is that in this country spotted dick is a social desease.

A metaphor is saying someone is an asshole.
A simile is saying someone is like an asshole.
A facsimile is saying someone pretends to be an asshole.
A factsimile is saying someone is like an asshole when in fact he really is one.

When Pat Robertson dies it’ll prove God hates him.

Tom Delay translates as Tom of Lay; apparently one of his ancestors substituted the regular verb lay for the irregular lie.

People who say George W. Bush is the worst president ever are unfair; they are only counting the U.S. presidents.

Go practice aural sex. Stick it in your ear.

"My brother is a child psychologist."
"What will he be when he grows up?"

Scientists have discovered wasps can be trained to sniff out drugs. However, most scientists say they don’t get the same satisfaction out of saying, "Good wasp," while petting them.

Some object to "Happy Holidays" and want "Merry Christmas." I say compromise: "Merry Holidays."