Dear [Mr. Kazinski] Ted,
By the time you read this, you will have learned that I have issued you a Presidential pardon. Your release should follow in a day or two and you can get on with your life’s work. [I’m sor] I didn’t intend to take so long to get around to it, but I have been extremely occupied with a PRIVATE and PURELY PERSONAL problem. Even Presidents have private [affairs] lives.
I take full responsibility for acting so slowly. I might have forgot completely except that during a recent [inquisition by] conversation with Mr. Kenneth Starr, the well-known lawyer and ADVOCATE OF TECHNOLOGY, he happened to refer to you as "that CRAZY MAN" who should be "LOCKED UP FOR LIFE." His harsh, unforgiving words caused me to feel your pain. He shouldn’t have done that. In fact, it was wrong. There’s no nice way to say it – he has sinned.
In starting a new life, you might want to seek help from some politically powerful people. I am enclosing with this letter the names and addresses of the 50 most important Republicans (Ken Starr’s address is on page 6). I may send you a list of important Democrats later [depending on a few votes].
Best of luck with your new freedom. Have a BLAST!
P.S.: Ken Starr also wants to raise postal rates on packages!