You can’t win lying down. To get elected, you must lie UP and down.
He who hesitates has time to double-check the bungee cord.
Too much masterbation will make you lose your memory and something else I can’t remember.
Little girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice, except for your bratty daughter.
You can’t burn a candle at both ends -- unless you put it on its side, or you can soften it in the middle and bend both ends up, or you can make the wick out of something that will burn no matter what, or you can cut it in two and set the bottom half upside down, or . . . .
You know you’ve got a poor sex life when you can walk into a drug store with a dollar and walk out with a lifetime supply of condoms.
Eat natural. Never touch food that hasn’t grown out from under a ton of animal feces.
My favorite player never used steroids. He owes his exceptional muscles to the many hours he’s spent combing his back.
Theological ethicists say there is growing evidence that the unusual recent outbreak of destructive weather is God’s punishment for Pat Robertson.